Where Did Stargrace Go?!

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Welcome to the world, Leo.

I was scheduled for a c-section October 20th, my due date being October 27th – but Leo didn’t want to wait, and he decided to make an appearance September 23rd, 6:44pm. I was sitting at my desk reading a blog post by a friend when my water broke. He was 5 weeks early and had to stay at the NICU for 2 weeks, hooked up to machines and wires. I thought those would be the roughest part of this very early journey, but as we came home things were just getting started.

I still have a baby registry here for anyone who wants to help out or send little Leo a gift. My family lives far away and I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed with things as a brand new first time Mom to a preemie baby. I’m currently on some medication to help with postpartum depression. Things are certainly not easy. We’re managing, because that’s what humans are programmed to do, but I’m finding it difficult. I have a lot of guilt and shame over how difficult I find things, too. Everyone tells me this is normal, and that it will pass and get easier with time.

Leo was born at 4lbs 5oz. Just a tiny thing. He had a feeding tube for the first two weeks of his life. He’s now 4lbs 14oz, so he’s still very small but he’s getting bigger. Nothing prepared me for any of this, no matter how much I’ve read or how much I looked into everything. I also developed a complication from my c-section which is still ongoing today. I developed a hematoma that opened up and has been bleeding out since the 24th of September. On top of everything else this single incident has really taken its toll on me. It doesn’t hurt, but bleeding constantly 24/7 for so long means a lot of  bandage changes, packing (think like a wisdom tooth needs to be packed) and ruining clothing with blood. Plus it’s along my incision, which is just in an awkward not-fun place.

Still. We carry on. Because we must. It’s what we do.

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9 Comments

  1. I was away on holiday so I’ve only just read this. Congratulations and hang on in there!

  2. xXJayeDuBXx

    Stay strong and get well! That little guy looks adorable!

  3. I’m not a parent so I can’t relate to your experience at all, but I think you are doing all the right things you can do. You have many people around you who support you and will be there for you when you need them. Never hesitate to reach out to them, even if all you need is someone to listen. :)

    Just focus on one day at a time. The rest will take care of itself.

  4. Congratulations to the chaos bundle. But mostly, well done all involved. Everyone from Leo to the nurses.

    I’m with Rachy, to be short. We had difficulties with our kids (and still have with the twins).But there are good things all the time too. And it’s so worth it.

    Hugs, and give Dad a high-five from me.

  5. Congratulations on the birth!

    I am so very sorry to hear about all the other complications. I hope that he continues to grow and that your own issues clear up very soon.

  6. Nancy

    I have read you blog for years but never commented. Normal is not the same as easy. Its completely understandable that you are overwhelmed. Any birth is a major life event. Hold onto hope that thing will get easier and there will be good times ahead. Best wishes for a happier life

  7. <3

    I've said the rest elsewhere.

  8. Atheren

    What a tough start for you guys! Bringing small people into this world is the most amazing, beautiful and stunningly hard thing we ever do. I can understand how overwhelming it is, with the added worries that come with an extra tiny guy and your being in such misery. You’ll both get stronger every day, rest all you can and snuggle that beautiful boy.

  9. Hi Stargrace.
    I hope you’ve got and had a lot of support for people around you and of course the online community. You’re told all the feelings are normal, and that’s totally true. Functioning on auto pilot, feeling guilty, feeling like you’re just about doing the bare minimum to cope with the situation and a million other not great feelings are all super hard to do with, But! They are normal.

    Our little boy was VERY late and ended up being an emergency c section and then he went into the Special baby unit, he was surrounded by tubes and pipes and all sorts. It was awful, it was unexpected and we were both just getting by in many ways. I too had massive issues with the c-section scar/wound, though for the most part I got on with things because I didn’t know what else to do. I went into hospital on Christmas eve, was in there over the entire time and finally had the c-section on the 27th. We didn’t know he was poorly, we didn’t know he was going up to the unit and we were shell shocked for days (Weeks/months… may still be ;) ). Then I was discharged and he wasn’t (Which came with its own levels of guilt), we had tonnes of snow so getting back and forth to the hospital was a nightmare, especially since neither of us could drive at that point. And when we couldn’t get there for long periods (hours not days) I had guilt building up on me so badly and felt utterly helpless. Not being able to hold him or feed him was awful, husband had to cope with coming back and forth, dealing with his new son being in special care and his wife being ill and a mess generally. Once he finally came out of hospital it didn’t feel real, it kind of felt like playing at family. And for months after I had feelings that I had failed some how, simply because everything wasn’t *normal* with the birth etc. However, time went on and those feelings faded. The more I could hold him and spend time with him the less those feelings were there. Now he’s almost 7 years old and is amazing and exhausting and I look back on his birth and everything around it, the illness, the depression, the fear and all the other scary things with a twinge of sadness, but now I can see the happiness that I should have been able to enjoy then. Now it’s not scary and unhappy and stressful memories, it’s just a time when things could have gone better but were handled as best they could be by all involved. And I think if not for that sh*tty time I wouldn’t be who I am now, as strong as I felt after and I wouldn’t have my awesome child.

    Sorry to ramble on, Things will feel better I promise. Try not to beat yourself up too much because it’s too easy to do. Eat a little chocolate every day, get some fresh air even just for a few minutes, enjoy your time and focus on the positive that is your future with your fantastic new family and eventually the negatives just won’t feel so bad. Take care!
    Rachy.
    xox

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