Time Flies

When I look back on my life over the past 10 years, I’m astounded at how much has changed. I can honestly say that EVERY single aspect of my life is different than it was 10 years ago.

10 years ago I was in a relationship with a man who didn’t want children – we had been together almost 12 years. I didn’t know he didn’t want children. I very much wanted children. I always have. We finally came to an impasse, and I left the relationship. At the time I thought that was the most difficult decision I had ever made.

I then decided to move across the country, leaving behind family & friends to give a chance to a man I had known for the better part of a decade as a friend. I also got a job with Carbine Studios. Turns out it was meant to be, so five years ago I started dating the man, the job with Carbine lasted much shorter, I left after three years. A year after that, 4 years ago, we got married. Then we had our first kid. He joined the RCMP, and we moved from our home to a new province. We had our second kid. Then we moved again to a Northern isolated post. Nothern like there are no paved roads here. Groceries is a 6h round trip (minus the time to shop). Internet is 5mb/s maximum. It has been a difficult adjustment but not for the reasons I thought.

In between those times I started to teach myself to knit, I learned to code, I brushed up on my French, I bought an antique circular sock knitting machine and taught myself how to use it. I taught myself how to spin fiber into yarn. I’m currently learning how to use an electronic knitting machine from 1980. I started getting involved in the fiber community. We learned our son has autism.

I’ve never been so surrounded by people and yet felt so alone in my entire life. I never feel like I fit in. I never feel like I’m able to connect to people. I try, I try to learn about them and listen to issues and be there, but my time is so incredibly wrapped up around my children and my husband’s schedule that there isn’t a lot of time for ‘me’ in there, and when there is, no one is around.

I’ve been struggling very hard for the past four years. Having a child with special needs is difficult enough but remove all form of support, family, and friends and you’re left with startlingly little. I like to think I’m a strong woman but honestly, I’m not. I have been failing in everything I touch. That’s probably part of the reason I bounce around video games, I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none. I just can’t seem to settle down in any aspect of life.

Anyway, no real reason for this post, I just needed to get it out a bit. Life is hard. The pandemic stuff has been hard. I feel like every day is a struggle and even talking to people professionally about what is going on has not been helping because there’s just always SO MUCH going on. I try not to have regrets, but I definitely have regrets.

2 Responses to Time Flies

  1. Kanter says:

    As a parent with a non-verbal autistic child who is soon going to turn 18, I can understand the struggle. Take care and thanks for sharing. Please let me know if there is anything I can help with. At one point I worked in the booming metropolis of Prince Albert, Saskatchewan (which I guess is large compared to where you are) so I might even be able to appreciate that predicament as well.

    As far as regrets, there are those that were out of your control and wish didn’t happen and those in your control where one hopes to do differently. It is important to distinguish between the two but we can’t always know.

    Take care!

  2. Tipa says:

    *distant hugs*

    I felt the same way when I was bringing up my kids alone. MMOs were my only outlet.

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